When I say I am haunted by my dreams it's because I've always been a dreamer. Since a little child I could sit looking outside a window and daydream losing track of time and space. I still have a vivid imagination and wherever I go and wherever I look I see the possibilities, the potential, and imagine what could be. Especially when it relates to church or ministry. I'm always dreaming down the road about what God can do and what He wants to do. Now after writing that why would say in the same breath I am haunted by these dreams?
I've spent a lifetime chasing my dreams. I would even dare say most of what I've chased after are dreams God put in my heart. I have little desire to chase after my dreams. I have abandoned myself to the pursuit of God dreams planted deep within. While I have moved and ministered in many locations over the years the same dreams have haunted me. They are really pretty simple.
I want to pastor an Acts 2:42-47 church. Acts 2:42-47 (NKJV)
42 And they continued steadfastly in the apostles' doctrine and fellowship, in the breaking of bread, and in prayers.
43 Then fear came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were done through the apostles.
44 Now all who believed were together, and had all things in common,
45 and sold their possessions and goods, and divided them among all, as anyone had need.
46 So continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they ate their food with gladness and simplicity of heart,
47 praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to the church daily those who were being saved.
I want to serve a people who love God's word and hunger for it. I want to serve among people who are devoted to prayer. Not just token prayer but who will give themselves to prayer as a body of Christ. I yearn to serve among a loving flock who love one another, the community and my family. I want to serve a generous people committed to building God's kingdom. I also want to serve a people who believe God for impossible miracles. I want to serve a church that boldly shares Jesus and where Jesus honors those efforts by saving the lost and growing the church. I want to be a part of genuine revival where I serve and beyond. I want to write to help people all over the world I may never meet in person. I want to be a part of training young pastors. I want to be used to impact college students and teenagers.
Those dreams haunt me day and night. They consume my imagination. I always compare my reality to those dreams. I pray for their fulfillment. I labor for their realization. I strive toward those goals.
I also live with the painful regrets of numerous times I have failed. Where I did not give my best. The times when I took matters into my own hands. The times when I sinned hurting others who loved me. Failure has nipped at my heals all my life. More times than I can count I've bit the dust and fell hard. Many times I just wanted to stay down and give up.
But the dreams echo in my mind and heart. Those dreams fuel my passion to get up, dust myself off and try again. They haunt me because unless I see them realized I will never feel I fulfilled my purpose and potential. All of them are way beyond my abilities. I've known for decades they would never come true unless God miraculously made them come true. So I keep praying. I keep serving. I keep writing. I keep preaching. I keep reading Acts 2:42-47 and comparing every church to that one. I keep persevering. I keep teaching. I keep hoping that one day my dreams will no longer haunt me.
They will no longer haunt me when I begin to live them. When the things I have imagined in my mind and seen through the eyes of faith become reality. Isn't that exactly what Hebrews 11:1 communicates. Hebrews 11:1 (NKJV)
1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
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