Hold Me Jesus

 I am not the man I want to be. I am not the man that God intends me to be. I have dark days when the light of hope is eclipsed by the clouds of despair. There are days when just showing up is the best I can offer. On the other hand, there are other days when my soul soars to new heights. Days when I feel connected to God in communion with Him. There are days when it is easy to take every thought captive in obedience to Christ. There are other days when toxic thoughts choke faith. 

Face it. This world is filled with battles. Daily skirmishes. Sometimes hourly fights in the foxholes of faith. The enemy never stops advancing to take new ground. He does not take days off. He's singularly focused on his mission to oppose God and His work every moment of everyday. Some days we get caught in the crossfire. 

Last night I watched a movie about the life of Rich Mullins. He lived a tormented life. He never received the approval he longed for from his father. His father ridiculed his musical talents and interests. He could never tell Rich he loved him and was proud of him. This haunted Rich most of his life. He met the love of his life in college. The relationship ended when Rich decided to go to Nashville to follow his music dreams. She married another man. Rich struggled with alcohol, cigarettes, and dark depression even as he sang to thousands and made millions of dollars with his music. He hated the popularity. 

He identified with ragamuffins. Dirty, outcast, dressed in ragged clothes. Rich typically wore a plain white t-shirt, tattered blue jeans, and often went around barefoot. He went on drinking binges. He never fit in with the contemporary Christian music industry. He was often at odds with his record label over the music he wrote. He refused to write songs just to make money. He chose to live on the salary of an average American giving the rest of his money away. He lived on an Indian reservation in Arizona in his last days when he was not touring. He died in a tragic car wreck while he was in the prime of life. 

He wrote a prayer song to God born out of his own struggles. He wrote:

Well, sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me, Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't you be my Prince of Peace?

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me, Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't you be my Prince of Peace?

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what you give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

I'm singing hold me, Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't you be my Prince of Peace?

I'm singing hold me, Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't you be my Prince of Peace?
You have been King of my glory
Won't you be my Prince of Peace?

I have felt that way. It's hard to make sense out of a lot of things in my life. The mountains are so big and sometimes my faith is so small. This is one of those times. I stayed up well past 3:00 a.m. watching that movie and praying. I need Jesus to hold me. When so many things are crumbling around me, I need Jesus to hold me. I feel like I beat my head against the same old walls. 

I am thankful Jesus holds me on my best days. When everything is going as it should. When blessing flow in abundance. When there is much fruit on the vine. When I am on top of the mountain. Jesus also holds me when I feel alone, when I fail, when I don't understand, and when all my dreams get shattered on the jagged rocks of reality, and when I walk through the valley. 

When I am alone with Jesus, I find peace and strength. He cast out all fears. He picks me up when I fall. He loves me even when my best is not good enough. He does not abandon me in the hard times, nor does He give up on me when I am ready to give up on myself. He still holds onto me in my guilt, shame, regret, failures, pain, sorrows, confusion, and doubts. I am thankful He holds me. He will hold you too.