Debilitating Depression

 There are some unfortunate people who live a good portion of their lives with  the dark cloud of gloomy depression. Debilitating depression. There are also other people who do not understand them. Especially Christian people who think no follower of Jesus should ever be overcome by despair. They muse that victory is found in prayer and Bible meditation. Attendance at worship services will bring a person through. 

Sometimes depressed followers of Jesus pray, weep, read their Bibles incessantly, and rarely miss worship. They are still held in the vice like grip of depression helpless to free themselves. Gloom falls over their outlook. Their minds are clothed in dark despair. All the normal spiritual disciplines do not bring them immediate relief. Would be counselors come to offer their wisdom in vain like Job's friends did. They cannot understand these troubled souls. 

Sometimes there are no quick fixes. Such people live in the blackest dejection. What truths they read seem true for others but not for themselves. There have been some saints who struggled with despair their entire life and yet God used them. They are haunted by the hounds of hell incessantly. They scramble in the darkness of their thoughts. They tread the pitch dead of night waters in an ocean from which they cannot find rescue. Some who have battled this debilitating depression describe it in phrases like, "Unutterable gloom, overwhelming and intractable despair."

Sadly, the church has little answers or help beyond our pray more, read more, worship more counsel for such people. What about when those things do not work? Does the church cast these troubled turbulent minded people aside because they are not quick fixes? What about when the depression paralyzes hope and drives a person to multiple attempts at suicide and getting institutionalized repeatedly? Do such people have any value to the church or to the cause of Christ? 

There are many great worship songs. Some modern ones and some old hymns. One of the things I love about hymns is the doctrine included in the lyrics. Like It Is Well With My Soul, Amazing Grace, At The Cross, When We All Get to Heaven. Have you ever sung these words? There is a fountain filled with blood drawn from Immanuel's veins, and sinners plunged beneath that flood will lose all their guilty stains. Those words were written by William Cowper in late 1700's. Cowper suffered from life long depression. At times, all he could do was sit in a dark room paralyzed to get out and be productive. He was a poet. The above poem has become a famous hymn sung by millions. Written by a depressed suicidal man up to his last days. He battled despair his whole life. God still used him. Cowper attempted suicide multiple times but God spared him. He used him to write beautiful poems and songs that have ministered to other people fighting debilitating depression. 

From 2014-2017 I went through the darkest season of my life. I could not get out of the dark dungeon of depression. I prayed hours daily. In those years, I read my Bible through completely four times. I preached nearly every Sunday of those years and Wednesday night. The depression did not lift. Hope fled like a gazelle chased by a lion. Friends became very concerned. So did Brenda. I soon discovered that nobody could understand my debilitating depression. The few times I tried to explain it people could not understand. They blamed it on sin in my life. They told me to just trust God. To read the gospel. To think positively. Soon I quit telling anyone what I felt because I knew they could not relate. At one point, I confessed to Brenda I felt like a thousand demons were raking their talons over my mind destroying hope and clouding all my thoughts. I had no peace. Sleep was fitful. I was never suicidal but, I could sure see how people get to a point of despair where they cannot find hope and reasons to keep living. Death looks more attractive than the pain of life. 

I sympathize with those battling depression. I understand. You are not alone. You know what ultimately brought me through. Two things. Reading biographies about others who suffered and persevered. They helped me find some measure of hope that the darkness gives way to light. That was the lesser of the two benefits. The greatest benefit is that I kept praying and reading my Bible though it did not bring me immediate deliverance. Those four years linger longer in my mind. I felt engulfed in an ocean that I would never escape. 

Not until a spring Sunday afternoon in 2016 on the back porch of some friend's house in Seminole, TX. I've written about that God encounter with one simple verse. John 5:17. God saved my ministry with that little verse and an eight hour encounter with Him on that back porch. I have a little stone pillar and a picture of that back porch in my office to remind me of that encounter. God delivered me. He healed my mind. He restored my faith. He cast away the darkness and replaced it with hope. I'm not proud of those difficult years and do not like to talk about it much. It is embarrassing to admit as a pastor I suffered from mental health issues. I did not have the luxury to step away from ministry for an extended time. I had to work my way through it. I have never felt more alone. More helpless and hopeless until God brought me out. 

Guess what God reminded me? He is faithful. I Thess 5:24 is true. He is trustworthy. Even to those battling debilitating depression. Press on weary ones. Find hope in one who has walked the road you are on and been shown the way of escape. I do not judge you. I hurt for you and want to point to you a path of freedom. Please do not give up. There is still hope for you.