The Man I Once Was

Today I have given some consideration to the man I once was. I did not enjoy that walk down memory lane. Specifically I refer to my life before Jesus.

I lived as an idolater. Football served as my god. I bowed at the shrine of the pig skin and those who excelled at the game. Roger Staubach. Randy White. Tony Dorsett. Earl Campbell. They were more than heroes. They were idols. I bowed to them though none of them knew me or cared about me.

I lived in rebellion to authority. Parental. School. Police. The only authority I readily submitted to was my coaches. To faithfully serve my idol I had to do what the coaches commanded. In some ways I lived untamable.

I grew up angry. Angry because of sexual abuse. Angry because of physical abuse. Angry without a regular father figure. The closest thing I had was my maternal grandfather. He died in my turbulent teenage years leaving me adrift. I fought out of insecurity. Easily offended. Quick tempered. Ready to fly off the handle.

I gave into unbridled lusts. I did not withhold pleasures. I indulged in wicked behavior. I felt neither shame nor remorse. My morale compass came from friends who indulged in the same activities I did. I trusted in the law of the masses. If it brought pleasure, and others did it so did I.

I struggled with low self esteem. I was taught self worth came from accomplishments. For me that meant excelling in football. I thought if I played great others would like me. If I played poorly I thought others disapproved. I brought this mentality into the early years of my ministry as well.

Perhaps my greatest sin was my stubborn pride. God has worked on that area of my life like a stump grinder chipping away at a stump until it is gone. Ground to saw dust. God had to break me. Even after getting saved He had to chastise me severely. It took decades to grind that pride down. I resisted every step of the way. God is opposed to the proud and that meant much of my life God opposed me.

Jesus transformed me October of 1983. He blindsided me with His love and grace. I can honestly say I never saw it coming. Doris Roberts did. She is married to Charles Roberts. They lived in my neighborhood. I often played football in the yard next door to them as a boy. As a teenager, I flirted with a girl who lived across the street. Charles Roberts is a pastor. Doris saw me and prayed for me. She commented she was praying for me to get saved. God heard and answered. It was the youth minister from their church who shared the gospel with me the night Jesus rescued me. Right then and there my life was transformed. I am not saying I got perfected that night. His sanctifying work began that night and continues to this day. I did get forgiven. Jesus did write my name in the Lamb's Book of Life.

I can say I am not the man I used to be. He has done so much. I cannot praise Him enough. I don't like the man I used to be and can still sometimes fall back into. I am His man. Hoping to be more like Him. Desiring to be continually transformed by Him. Wanting to continually praise Him.