Soul Surgeon

 Like a skilled surgeon, God has cut into my heart, removed the sins of apathy, selfish ambition, drivenness, and the need for validation. He has replaced those things with the sweet and simple desire for more of Him. 

Over the past couple of years my devotions have often felt dry, now they have become like an oasis. His presence is near and He is stirring in me the longing for more of Him. I have spent the past few days shut up with Him and trusting His work on my soul. It has been both painful and joyous at the same time. Painful because the revelation of sin brings brokenness. Joyful because He is making me whole in a way I have not experienced in some time. Times of prayer have become passionate and fervent again. I long to linger with Him again. 

I had to take an honest look at myself. I did not like what I saw. God used a few simple questions to force me to take inventory of my life. 

1. Why am I so driven?
2. Why do I keep pushing so hard?
3. How has my driving to succeed hurt my family?

The answers took me deep into my soul. I found the roots going all the way back to my childhood. It all started with one conversation with my mother. She once told me as a little boy, "If you are a great football player everyone will like you." I am not sure what she meant to communicate. I can only tell you how I interpreted her words. If you perform well and succeed, people will like you. That started a competitive drive in me that manifested itself this morning. Turner and I were in the weight room and he asked me how many reps I did on one exercise. I did not tell him. He sat down and started pushing out repetitions. Not to be outdone, I knew in my head where he probably stopped even though he did not tell me. I went to that point at 30 then pushed out five more just to beat him. We increased the weight substantially. I counted as he did 12 reps. He smiled in another challenge. It took everything in me, but I barely managed 13. 

I have been driven all my life to prove people wrong. My greatest fear is to be looked at as a failure or lazy. This got to the point where I set goals. In my drive to accomplish goals like reading the Bible, I became obsessed with how much I was reading and not on reading for God to speak to me. I don't brag about it, but in the margin of my Bible I have a list of the number of times I've read through the Bible and the dates I completed this. This is for my boys to see when they get my Bibles after I'm gone. My hope is that it will inspire them to read God's word. My drive pushed me to read in a way where I not getting as much out of it because of the drive to read more and faster. 

Today I had to slow down. I only read two chapters in Psalms, but those two chapters fed my soul more than the ten chapters I read the day before. The reason I am so driven is rooted in the need to be validated that I am doing a good job. I did not hear that as a child and have spent much of my adulthood working to feel worth. I lost sight that my worth is already established on the cross and God's salvation of my soul. I needed the Soul Surgeon to come do His handiwork in me. I know there is more to come. The outcome will be a healthier soul. From that healthy soul will flow life-giving ministry. The surgeon's scapula is not pleasant, but it does lead to eventual healing. That is something I have needed for some time.