What things have you buried from your past? Things you shoved down deep to forget. Hurtful things. Abusive things. Wicked things. I certainly have. Things I tried to forget, ignore, move on from, and dismiss. Sometimes those things do not stay buried. They claw their way up from the grave of our memories demanding to be dealt with.
The psychological scars of being whipped with a bull whip by an uncle and having a step father throw water in my face as a child on a picnic are deeply engraved on the walls of my mind and heart. Growing up without a father has also impacted my whole life. It made me driven. Driven to succeed so people would not think of me as a failure.
It compelled me to work harder than everyone else in athletics. It pushed me to work harder and harder in ministry. I was always chasing a dream. Striving toward an elusive goal of success. I lived with the constant frustration that I could not pray enough, study enough, write enough, evangelize enough, or plan enough to taste success.
I grew up feeling inferior. Like I was not good enough. I fought for respect. My first day on the varsity football team I got in a fight with an upper class man who tried to intimidate and bully me. I stood toe to toe with him unafraid, angry, swinging wildly, and battling for respect. Respect of my coaches. Respect of my teammates. Self respect. I could not stomach being seen as a failure.
The haunting echoes of failure have reverberated in the chambers of my life my whole life. I do not know where it originated. To compensate, I pushed myself to succeed. I set my alarm clock before school to workout. I skipped lunch at times during high school to get in an extra session in the weight room. I ran in the hottest part of the days all to avoid being a failure.
Ministry was much harder than athletics. Things like salvation, repentance, church growth, church unity, and church finances were much harder to navigate. It really did not matter how much extra work I put in. The results did not always follow. My self worth rose and fell each Monday depending on what the previous Sunday's attendance had been. I was not equipped to deal with strife in the church. I watched churches crumble under my watch care. Feelings of failure sunk me week after week. I tried to grit my way through those days. I faked it. Outside I preached badly, inside I folded like a house of cards that come tumbling down.
Those difficult ministry years only served to reiterate the feelings that I was a failure. I hated that and did everything possible to become successful. I tried to move onto other ministry positions. I am not proud to report that I have been rejected by hundreds of search committees. For most of them, I did not even make it to an interview. For those that I did, my hopes were dashed when I got the familiar letter that they felt led by God to go in a different direction. Those feelings of failure not only resurfaced, they nearly strangled the life out of me. This in turn moved me into greater frustration which resulted in anger.
What I could not see is that God needed to break me. He needed to mold me and match my character with His assignment. The school of brokenness is a painful school. I needed it. I had rough edges, jagged points in my personality, a bold unfiltered tongue, and a temper. Failure on top of failure mounted in one church after another. God continued His molding me into a vessel He could work through. He carved out character flaws, applied pressure to push out toxic thinking. Eventually, I swore off pastoral ministry and spent four years traveling full time. The hard preaching made for harder times financially as my style did not fit most churches. I spent as much at home as I did out on the road which I saw as more failure. I could not see the hand of God making me tough, teaching me to pray, strengthening my faith to stand without flinching at His call inspire of impossible odds.
We tried to plant a church and failed. We enjoyed success at FBC Paradise and FBC Seminole. We left Seminole to plant another church that died a painfully slow death after six years of hard labor. Another failure. After that church disbanded, nobody wanted me again. More sent resumes and more rejection letters followed. Those old feelings of failure lingered. They resurfaced and dominated my psyche.
That is until God did a work in me. I can't really explain it. He put those feelings of failure to death. Crucified them. No longer did I feel like I had to compete with everyone else in salary, what they drove or where they lived. My self-esteem became anchored in Jesus alone. I finally learned the meaning of what Paul meant when he wrote, "Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am." [Phil 4:11]
My identity is no longer tied up in how BIG the church I serve is. I no longer concern myself with whether I drive new cars or old ones. Where I live is not important. How much money I make is irrelevant. I can be content because I know who I am in Jesus. I know the things I drove myself to pursue that I thought were success were only empty dreams like chasing the wind. I AM NOT A FAILURE. FOR I AM A CHILD OF GOD. MY FATHER LOVES ME. Not based on my performance. I cannot earn His love. I just receive it and enjoy it. [Jn 3:16] [Rom 5:8] Success now is pleasing my FATHER. Being faithful to His call on my life is success. The love of God gives me worth. His love proves that I have value. Intrinsic worth that would lead Jesus to die in my place to purchase my redemption. The love of God buries my past. More than that, the love of God kills my past so it will stay buried never to rise again. [Gal 2:20]
There is freedom knowing I am loved. [Jn 8:32] Knowing I belong to God. I don't have to strive anymore. There is no longer pressure to perform. I can flow in His call on my life and empowering to fulfill that call. It has taken decades to really bury my past and keep it buried. I am the most contented I have ever been in my life and it is all because God loves me. My soul is satisfied in Him. My peace is in Him. Life is worth the living because He loves me and lives in me.
I urge you to allow His love to cascade over you and allow Him to bury your past for good. To set you free. To live life flowing in His Spirit instead of striving in the flesh.
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