Grief is deep sorrow when somebody dies or you experience a loss. It is a pain you feel in the pit of the stomach. Grieving people will walk around in a daze unable to fully comprehend that someone they loved so much is gone. After the initial shock wears off, the grim reality sets in of a life without the person who died.
Many grieving people have told me that the big events are tough like Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthdays. They are able to kind of prepare themselves for those events. The tougher things are the little moments that remind of them of the deceased like a movie, a song, a face in the crowd, or the smell of their perfume or cologne. These are more difficult to navigate. They blindside without warning.
Experts say people go through stages in grief. The first stage is denial. This is the initial shock of losing someone. They are there one day and then they are gone. Their life is snuffed out. The shock can make a person numb even to the point of not being able to accept it. Phrases like, "I just can't believe they are gone," might be uttered in this stage.
The second stage of grief is anger. This is when the reality of death and loss set in. The anger may be turned against God. Why did He let it happen. Why didn't He prevent the death? Why did He not intervene? Others might be blamed for the death and anger unleashed on them.
The third stage is called bargaining. In this stage survivors may constantly dwell on what they could have done differently to prevent the loss. They will play different scenarios over and over in their minds and wish they had done things differently. They reason to themselves if they had just acted or reacted differently the person they love would still be alive.
The fourth stage is depression. Grieving people may withdraw from normal social activities like church attendance and spending time with family and friends. In the depressed state a darkness settles in on the mind obscuring hope. There is little motivation to do anything productive. People just want to sleep and weep. Consolation from others is not able to be comprehended nor accepted. It may feel like the grieving person's whole world has ended. They struggle to find a reason to keep living.
The final stage is acceptance. When Christians get to this stage they find peace to comfort and God's reassuring presence to mend their broken heart. They come to accept the fact their lives will never be the same. They have to learn to live a new normal. Very often a very lonely normal.
Pictures are great for memories, but pictures cannot bring the loved one back. You cannot even tell what the person was thinking when the picture was snapped. Grieving people would trade all their pictures if they could hold their loved one again.
Grief is real. People move through the different stages at different paces. It may take some years to work through all five stages. Others may work through them much more quickly. Each person must grieve in their own way and in their own time. Some grieve stoically. Others grieve hysterically. Neither is right or wrong.
I like what I heard a pastor say in a sermon recently when ministering to a grieving person. SHOW UP AND SHUT UP. I heard it put differently in Bible college. Be present and pray. Grieving people do not need to hear cliches like, "They are in a better place." That is not always true if the deceased never trusted Jesus as their Savior. You don't have to say anything. Just show up with a hug and listen. Offer a short prayer of comfort. That is what they need.
You know what else I have learned? Keep showing up. Watch this happen. When someone dies people show up in the preceding days with food, and offers of, "If I can do anything for you please let me know." Once the funeral is over or the memorial service is concluded, people go back to their lives. The grieving person can't go back to their life as it used to be. They may be forced to go back to work and bravely show up for worship. Things are different. Other people forget but the survivor still grieves. Time move on and people forget about the grieving person. The church should keep showing up. Like one widow did for her friend when her friend's husband died. She called that newly grieving widow every single day for an entire year.
My wife is an amazing woman. A far better shepherd of people than I am. She keeps record of the date people died and the date of the funeral. She still keeps in contact with people and sends messages to the grieving well over a decade after the death of a spouse, parent, or child. People love her dearly for it. Brenda truly cares about people and feels their pain long after the person dies and the survivors try to put their broken lives back together. We should all follow her example.
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