I drove a little further and the memories turned dark. If I had taken a right turn onto a little farm to market road for about three miles and then turned right onto a little black top road that road would have come to a dead end. If you take a right turn there it eventually will get you back to the main highway. Turning left is a whole other matter.
Unfortunately, in my childhood my mother turned left. Repeatedly for years. It led to a nightmare. You see turning left meant going down a little lane that dead ends into my paternal grandparent's land. They owned several hundred acres. It may have even been over a thousand acres. On that land sat my grandparent's house along with four other old homes. One did not even have indoor plumbing. A tight knit family unwelcoming of outsiders. They had good reason to keep outsiders away.
In that place incest abounded, rape, molestation, physical abuse, alcoholism and I am sure more. My grandfather raped his daughters while my grandmother held them down. They got in trouble but the daughters remained. Later in life one committed suicide. The other remained in abusive relationships. My father got hit over the head with a lead pipe fracturing his skull. The Edwards compound as I have come to call it was a sick sinister place. One cousin told me decades later every female she ever knew from our family was raped or sexually assaulted. EVERY ONE!.
Abused children can grow up to abuse others too. My cousins did it to me. Maybe they taught it was normal. It was not I was in college that I looked back and discovered things done to me were not normal. They were dysfunctional.
My grandparents and their kids lived on that land. I learned a lot when we lived there. I actually milked a cow on that land. I watched my grandfather plow the fields with a mule drawn plow. I planted seed in the garden and picked vegetables when the were ready to be harvested. I ate fresh tomatoes right off the vine carrying a salt shaker with me. I saw a hog killed, scalded to remove the hide, and butchered as a youngster. I can still see the hog head severed from the carcass. Somebody mentioned hog head cheese and I did not eat cheese again for years after that incident. Many cousins lived on that same land. There were several and we played together.
Here is where it turns dark. While in grade school I got introduced to sex acts from my cousins. I first hand witnessed sex acts between brother and sister cousins. Sexual intercourse between them and then they made me try. They did things to me and showed me things. I was young and did not understand. It was evil. It was sinful.
I also got introduced to physical abuse when my uncle got mad at me and whipped me with a bullwhip. I promise you the whelps on my body healed much faster than the scars and wounds to my mind. Something broke in me that day. I got shackled. Enslaved in a prison I could not get free from. My self worth suffered immensely. I developed real trust issues I still battle to this day. Because of the sexual things that were forced on me repeatedly I developed a very unhealthy view of sex. Those shackles and chains held me securely for years. Bound to my psychological, emotional and physical wounds I stayed enslaved for years silently. I did not tell anyone. I resented any form of authority. Became rebellious and defiant against heavy handed leaders. I also grew very angry. Very determined to be different. A hot headed fighter. Bound by lust that gripped my mind.
I channeled my pain into athletics. No matter what I achieved it did not take the scars or chains away. Over the years I became a slave of sin. A slave to insecurity. A slave to anger and bitterness.
I do not recall how old I was when I made my last left turn at that dead end leading to my grandparent's house. My mother and father divorced. He got murdered. It did not matter to me. He was never my father in my heart. I have no memories of what he looked like and I did not attend his funeral.
We were still forced to got out there for family holidays. Somewhere around 10 years old I went out there for a Christmas gathering. I came home and told my mother I was never going out there again and I never did. Now I know that was God working in me to protect me.
Fast forward seven years on an October night in 1983. Jesus totally changed my life that night when I was introduced to Him. A local youth pastor explained Jesus died to take away my sin and guilt. I trusted Jesus for salvation and on that night Jesus began setting me free. He forgave my sin and redeemed me immediately.
Some of the chains still remained fastened for awhile. As I learned more and yielded more of my life to Jesus' control chains began to break. I became more free. Up to the point that 35 years later I can shout with Martin Luther King Jr., "Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty I'm free at last!"
Jesus has given me more peace than I have ever known. My trials are many. My mountains are huge. Yet I have the peace of God that surpasses all understanding. Chains have been broken by Jesus such as bitterness, anger, un-forgiveness, lust, temper, low self worth, lack of trusting others and more. Jesus has broken my shackles and chains. I stand in that freedom. I proclaim that same freedom to others who will listen.
Take your chains to Jesus. He is powerful enough to break them. Surrender your life to Him. Trust Him for salvation and forgiveness. Embrace His love and desire to heal you and restore you to complete wholeness. Accept His love, grace and mercy. Believe Him to heal you spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically. He is your chain breaker. You no longer have to live in bondage. You too can be free.
Please feel free to share this with as many as you want hoping and praying God will set others free.
John 8:36 (ESV)
36 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
Galatians 5:1 (ESV)
1 For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.
Praise God! May He continue to heal, restore, and free His Body more and more! Thanks for sharing brother!
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