Appointment With My Father

 I looked forward with great anticipation to a recent appointment I had with my father. After years of being fatherless I had the opportunity to meet with my father. Something I looked forward to with great eagerly.

 I spent my whole childhood without a father. My grandfather served that role in my life until he died when I was sophomore in high school. I wept inconsolably at his loss. None of my siblings or cousins did. My Papaw meant everything to me. We both enjoyed a love for sports. I often curled up in bed with him to watch a Monday Night Football game. We also watched baseball, track and field, and other sporting events. He took me to my first high school football game. That stadium seemed like an NFL stadium and those Lufkin Panthers like heroes to this wide eyed little boy. My grandfather was a Lufkin Panther. I proudly wore the purple and gold of the Panthers in high school too just like him. I wanted him to be proud of me. He never saw me play one down of football in the purple and gold. He died of Leukemia. 

Papaw taught me how to throw and catch a football and baseball. He bought me my first baseball glove made by McGregor. I used that glove all the way into college until the padding wore out. He used to ask me to drive him places when I got my license. It was not because he could not drive. He just wanted to spend time with me. I never saw him do that with my siblings or cousins. We enjoyed a special bond. He was not my father though. 

Growing up without a father had far reaching implications. I grew up a very sullen angry child. I also struggled with insecurities. My only way of proving my worth was through sports. Football to be more specific. I did not excel in any sport except football. I drove myself to be successful in the hopes that people would like me. I was not comfortable in my own skin. I desperately wanted to be liked and to fit in, but remained aloof much of the time. I grew up not trusting people. I got wronged so many times that I didn't let many people get close to me. After my grandfather died, it felt like I was skating through life on thin ice. I had no foundation. No firm footing. 

Fast forward about thirty years. Brenda and I went to see a movie in the theaters. We knew it was a Christian film about fathers, but did not know any real details. Turns out the movie was a documentary about fatherhood and the impact of fathers. In one scene a fatherless athlete is going to meet his former coach who turned out to be his father. Neither knew. The athlete was conceived in a one night stand. The coach was happily married for decades and had other children. Providentially God stepped in and revealed that this coach was the biological father of the former athlete who was now a grown man and married. 

The son drives to the house to meet his father. They were already close. The two talked on the phone regularly as coach/mentor relationship. He had been to the coach's home before. Never as a son meeting his father though. He was reluctant to get out of the car and come to the door. When he finally summoned the courage he walked up the sidewalk and knock on the door he was unprepared for what happened. He waited nervously for the door to open. The father opened the door and joyfully said, "Welcome my son." 

I teared up and choked back a waterfall of tears. On the drive home after the movie I told Brenda I have never heard any man ever say to me, "My son." NEVER my entire life. That wounds a child and a man. You better believe I took fatherhood seriously when God started blessing us with those four little boys. I often put them to bed and after praying for them I told them, "I don't know why out of all the dads in the world God chose me blessed me to be your dad, but I am sure glad he did. Out of all the little boys in the world I would still choose you." 

In the past two days I talked to three of my four sons either in person or on the phone. I still hug them when I see them though they are all men and three of the four taller than me. There is a bond they have with their mother. They talk to her more than me. The bond between our sons and me is different. They contact me when they do something good and want my approval. I still cheer them on in their career paths. I've told each of them there is nothing they could ever do to make me love them more or to make me love them less. Getting to be their father is one of the greatest blessings and joys of my life. 

I never got any of that growing up. So making an appointment with my father was a long held dream. On the appointed day I got up early and dressed. I walked out the door headed for our rendevouz spot. What a joyous time we shared that day. Words could never describe what I experienced. 

You see the father I met that day was not an earthly father. It was my Heavenly Father who is a Father to the fatherless. [Ps 68:5] He is the Father I meet in our secret place. He waits me for there and communicates with me in profound ways. We have an early morning appointment everyday. We meet in our secret place. [Matt 6:7] In every conceivable way an earthly father can love and guide his children, my Heavenly Father has also done for me. He guides me. He counsels me. He provides for me. He rebukes and chastises me. He encourages me. Most of all He loves me. I cannot tell you what all of that means to a fatherless grown up boy like me. Indescribable. Transformational.